Vent about a child's situation

[moonshadowsky]

Ok seriously this hurts me to no end. A friend of mine is a single woman, late 40s with 2 adopted children age 4 (both). She has a sister whos granddaughter was rejected by her mother and the grandmother didnt want her either, so they asked my friend if she would take her and adopt her. She is 5. So now she has had 3 children a few months apart all of which had very difficult starts in life. When she first took the last one I offered to take her myself because it was a lot of work for 1 person. The last one, Christina, has had some health problems because of her rejection. She told me no, she didnt want her to go to my house because she was afraid me and my husband wouldnt be able to handle it. (Well, I really think WE should have been the ones to decide that).

Now, its been about a year that shes had Christina, the adoption is not through yet and she is at her wits end. My whole family offers to help her often, with babysitting, letting her vent to us, we go with her to events and to the park and help keep track of all 3, but she is completely frustrated anyway. She says Christina is the root of the problem, that she knows how to be a good kid and chooses to be bad.

I still want to adopt her, and the friend who has her wont let her go. I know she is going to end up resenting Christina (I am sure she does already) and it is soooooooooo bad for all 3 kids and for my friend.

Then theres my mother, who is completely against me taking her because of my depression. She was quite supportive of it UNTIL I started treatment. Once I got into therapy she sees me as someone who needs to "get well" before I can continue with my life. Am I a fool to think I can help this little girl? I have my own daughter, and my depression doesnt stop me from being a good mom to her! I want to help this girl so bad and I think the friend will let her go soon, and I want to be standing there with open arms when she does, but I dont want to cause more harm for the girl if I am not seeing the whole picture now.

Sorry this is so long but I needed to get it all out. Thanks everyone you guys are so amazing and helpful, I trust you all so much!

[Jade]

As much as you want to help this little girl I would think long and hard about how taking her into your home would effect your own daughter and yourself. That would be a very hard thing for anyone to do.

[gaspode]

i gather its not christina whos afraid to go to moonshadowskys house but the friend whos trying to adopt her whos afraid of christina going there?

the depression thingy could probably be a problem for the court when it comes to adoption, though when your daughter is well and you care for her and are not at your wits end, this could probably balance it out.

this

She says Christina is the root of the problem, that she knows how to be a good kid and chooses to be bad.

is a major problem. children have their own mind and personality as anybody of course, but they are still children. if you start taking that as a deliberate insult, taking it personally, the situation is bad. as you pointed out, the parent is going to resent at least part of the child who will not know what it did so terribly wrong and is going to suffer through it anyway. leading to more destructive behaviour.

however, heres a few questions about it, dont know if you thought about that. christina could well behave like that - at least at first, and that might be a while - with you as well. i dont know how your daughter grew up at first, but christina has a troubled history.
her not behaving well with you also and the reactions of your surroundings to this (keeping the disapprovement of your mom in mind) will put great pressure on you, should you get custody over christina. standing this and holding out - is that something you want to and can manage?

what does your husband think about christina and adoption?

i dont know what you can do officially in this case, so i dont know if theres a realistic chance of you being able to be there with your arms wide open.

about your moms disapproval, concerning the depression in connection to christina and also in general - you cant change that. it probably wont ever change. and depression is not a thing that just passes. you have to work hard, you have to want to stop it all the time (which kind of contradicts the whole concept), and you have to hold on to that in order to keep the depression at bay. it is also not the kind of illness where you just stop living your like normal, recover completely and then take it all up again. in many cases, i think, its contraproductive to just "stop" things until youre well again. you have to learn to live with it eventually.
but you cant change your moms view on it. she could choose to change it, but if she doesnt, then thats it about this topic.




hows it going with your husband right now? is he still not willing to help you? how are you?

[moonshadowsky]

Yes Gaspode, you are right, its not Christina that has a problem coming over here, its the friend that has her that wont let her go. Christina knows me well and likes me a lot, she gets excited seeing me. I do know she has behavioral problems, with such a troubled start in life a person can't expect her not to. I just think that in the situation shes in now she has no hope because she is constantly fighting 2 other kids her age for "moms" attention. She has never ever ever had any "one on one" time with any adult. I do think her life can change greatly and quickly in the right home with the right influences.
And ty for the advice that you can't just stop living until you are better. Better is a journey and living life is the road. I just have to make changes for the better, this is something I know I could handle.
You gave me the confidence to fight for what is right for this little girl. Even if I dont get her she needs a different home. Thanks guys

[Jade]

Maybe for now you can offer to take her places with you to give your friend a break and tp give Christina some positive one on one time. Good Luck.....