You wonder why men cheat?

[Czarowka]

Oh dear - we have got our knickers in a twist haven't we? Sheeeesh!!

Maybe this is WHY :-

"...the guy who sacraficed his own hopes and dreams to finance yours probably isn't worthy of some respect, admiration, and god forbid occasional sex."

"...In fact the guy is assuming this is a cornerstone of the relationship and takes this into consideration when he offers you a huge ****ing ring you did nothing to deserve. Am I being to harsh? i don't think so, about 1% of the population of the world has a diamond ring of 1 karat or larger. What makes you so special?"

"...5 minutes of sex 12 times a year is one hour of sex per year. ONE ****ING HOUR... "

"...You have a medicine cabinet full of Paxil, Effexor, vicodin, sleep pills, awake pills, everthing but a ****ing horny pill."

"....I am so ****ing pissed off at you for everything, why did you ****ing have to ****ing be this way? why couldn't you just ****ing be sane, why? why, ****ing, why? I just want to kick a chair or break a window or something."



WHY did you sacrifice?
WHY did you assume?
WHY did you count the number of times?
WHY do you think she takes all those pills?
WHY are you so pissed off with her?

WHO are you really talking to here?
WHO are you really angry with?

[kimmeekitty]

What do YOU think? Wonder where this guy is today. Do you think he is divorced? Opinions?

[Justin5]

At this point I doubt the wisdom of bringing the war between the sexes into an arena filled with mostly women.

I am not a christian, nor am I monogamous. My mother is both of these things though. I just wanted to clarify that my following comment is of an outsider looking at marriage.

The comment my mother made is the woman at the well story in the bible. When the woman said she was going to her husband, Jesus said, you have many husbands, meaing all those she slept with. That is massively and profoundly different from the legal and even the traditional view of marriage.

What if marriage and divorce were left totally to religious institutions? What if the legal document was merely a contract between two or more people that would be necessary for the purpose of wills, child custody, and getting loans? Wouldn't it be a more realistic and honest world for both christians and non christians if marriage was handled this way?

[Czarowka]

Wow! Is this thread still going on ? Haven't you Got Past It yet ?

[kimmeekitty]

There were no new topics on the board. I was reading through the old posts and I really liked this one. The answers and comments were very interesting.

Also there are all new people here who haven't read this yet

We repost things when it gets to slow

Soooooooooooooo glad to see you back Czarowka

[Czarowka]

Thank you Kimmee ... nice to hear from you ... and yes this is an interesting post !

[gaspode]

Originally Posted by Justin5

The comment my mother made is the woman at the well story in the bible. When the woman said she was going to her husband, Jesus said, you have many husbands, meaing all those she slept with. That is massively and profoundly different from the legal and even the traditional view of marriage.

What if marriage and divorce were left totally to religious institutions? What if the legal document was merely a contract between two or more people that would be necessary for the purpose of wills, child custody, and getting loans? Wouldn't it be a more realistic and honest world for both christians and non christians if marriage was handled this way?

now this is interesting. i thought like that too until just recently, when in another internet forum i stumbled over some posts by some people (several, all of whom are married now for many many years and are apparently just as happy (if not happier) as when they first started the relationship) about what marriage means to them.
and all of a sudden i understood why people do marry.
im maybe not very accurate in retelling (and translating ) it, but the main thesis was that it is a promise to walk together, side by side. its not that monogamy is necessarily a part of this promise (its quite hard to account for any set of precisely defined universal "rules" concerning the terms of relationships... which leaves all the more room for filling it following your own gusto, making it fit perfectly instead of trying to press into some set of rules that will itch and make you bump against restrictions permanently ), or that anything else is, by the way, but simply the promise to be there for each other, to walk the path of life together.
you get further if you are not alone, if there is someone to lean onto when you have a goal but are, on your own, too weak to reach it. it broadens the horizon of possibilities...

i mean, of course theres always the possibility of one of the partners walking away, and its very difficult to maintain the balance between being able to trust someone completely, to lean onto someone (&support them whenever they need it) when you cant go on on your own, and maintaining enough stability and personality (or whatever you may call it) to be able to live on your own at the same time.

of course, its only logical (and would probably be a great improvement ) to have something purely "legal" that enables you to get loans together and stuff... in fact, right now over here theres a discussion going on about introducing a "seven year marriage", which means that if you dont "marry" legally again after seven years, youre kinda "automatically" unmarried again. this may seem perfectly logical, considering the high divorce rate, but honestly - why call that "marriage"? marriage, in my opinion, is something most people (just why do they have to be so dumb?!) treat way too lightly. what it means is perfectly distinct from what many people treat it...
i mean, if youre gonna fall for someone easily and act affective and stuff right away, feel free to do so. only the way you feel in one moment is pretty deceptive. many people tend to call it "love" when what they feel is the momentaneous feeling of strong affection towards someone. the difficulty lies in distinguishing these things... because unfortunately there are not that many words expressing the increase of the quality of feelings towards another person. and how are people going to know which is which, whats meant by what...?

anyways, id just rather have it there was a new name for the legal thing you suggested; something along the lines of "contract", maybe.
to me thatd seem to be more appropriate... sometimes there have to be found new terms for things when the things have altered so much they have developed their very own momentum - a new term for a new kind of relationship in this time...

[Justin5]

I am curious where you are that is proposing a 7 year type marriage. I've heard the celts had the handfasting ritual whicht was for a year and a day. A couple could pledge monogamy, emotional monogamy, or whatever, but after a year and a day, they could either renew, change it, or go their own ways. I can see a practicality in that way of thinking about a relationship. When you are in a committed relationship, you owe it to yourself to try to make it work. A lot can go south within a year and a lot can be mended as well. But I can imagine putting forth extra effort and believing in the tradition if I knew I would reevaluate where I was at the end of the year.

But year after year of trying in a relationship that is not going to work out is a loose/loose proposition. If you stay in it and try you are not at all following your heart in a permanent sort of way that is bad and injurious. If you leave, then you break the commitment.

[gaspode]

germany
its not legally through (yet?), though

i pretty much like that celtic concept, especially since i totally agree about the part of a relationship thats kinda committint "forever" - never really liked the idea, and it contradicts greatly with the notion of everyone still being "free" and their own person. i thought it was some kind of paradoxon, because in doing something together, youre committing, but youre also "giving up" your ability to chose freely... its this "breaking something up" when you leave that sits in the middle of this whole thing and just ITCHES. its nasty, really.
in that way, committment for a limited amount of time sounds like a great solution to me, though i still dont like the idea of the 7-year-marriage - its just so normative, and ugly too. somethings not right with it. (maybe thats also got to do with the fact that it is still called marriage. the term of the handfasting ritual sounds much better too me - and much more like what it really is )

and then theres the part about children - i think that if youre deciding to bring up a child together, you cant just walk away. 7 years doesnt seem like an appropriate limit for that kind of thing. that makes it difficult, for its still far too often the case that when the parents break up, one partner also walks away from the child, and also one partner often breaks down after this and is therefore handicapped in providing a safe and stable home for the child.
(even though there maybe a lot of drawbacks, i like the general concept of the kibbuzim in this point. like raising the children equally and together... "it takes a village to raise a child" ) this is a problem...

in general - thanks ive just learned something i will certainly consider in any kind of relationship i might have in the future.

[mumof2angels]

To a point I can see where your coming from. I am currently 23weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and my fiance and I have not slept together since we fell. Prior to that it was only 1 maybe 2 times. Prior to that it was when we concieved our 1st daughter. Yes I admit it can be fustrating not having sex..... BUT......
yes there is a BUT....
Whatis the point of getting married only to cheat when your not getting it???

If that is the type of relationship that men and even women want then why not don't bother getting married and just having open relationships??

As I stated my fiance and I hardly have sex anymore, and even though we both want it, it's not alway's physically possible. That does not give either one of us the right to cheat!!!

If you want sex and your married get a divorce I say if your wife/husband is not giving it to you
In my eye's there is absolutly NO excuse for cheating!!!!